So I shipped these yesterday
to my girlfriend Susan Critelli and God knows the Post Office is the most horrendous place to be stuck in line at. So I got it to a science – I made sure to get my labels-address-custom declaration-shipping materials just right. I timed the ebb & flow of the lines – I was prepared. I dash in front of someone going through the door but I hold it for them 🙂 and the race to the line begins.
I Made IT
I am third in line. Seriously. I am a winner dude. I smile inside and I await my reward. I will give myself two fat thumbs up on this one 4sure. I get to the counter and I stack the boxes and padded parcels next to the scales. The woman in gray and blue behind the safety of the counter – picks up the customs declaration and a package from another pile – compares the addresses – looks at me and says with a frown of bewilderment and a slight shake of her steel-gray bobbed hair – “These addresses don’t match.” I being determined to win this volley say, without a trace of guile i swear, “The box is going to Canada the envelope goes to Jersey.” She (her chest pocket declares her name is Shirley but she may have stolen the shirt) says with a smooth smile that never reaches her eyes, “My mistake, so sorry.” She rites the packages in her hand and says is a well oiled voice, “Anything liquid, flammable, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?” I realize she did not say that last part and I try to get ahold of my thoughts before the Theatre Of The Absurd starts its downward roll. I say cheerfully making sure my eyes never leave her face, “Not today.” My upward trill to the last syllable signaled an insider joke but I know immediately my attempt at humor is received as a signal of weakness and she loses no time in the frontal attack. She picks up the neatly labeled enveloped and says, “Did you want to send this Priority Mail?” “No,” I answer, “Delivery Confirmation 1st Class.” Simple statement not too many words can’t be misconstrued – wrong. She says, “This label is a Priority Label.” I volley, “I removed the Priority part,” and, I swear to God this happened, she starts to rip the label off the package. I know if I show weakness now I will lose the war so I say, “Can you use another label and just cover that one over?” She continues her rip, I continue in a slight panic, “That might damage the address and I don’t know it by heart.” She obviously has no heart as she looks me in the eyes daring me to lunge at her throat with my bare hands over the counter barrier, “I have done this a couple of times before don’t worry you know your return address if that gets damaged.” She is now in complete control and I am wondering if God really wants Patients to have its reward or if it is something some wicked man just put in the Bible to screw with our heads after all. She (who now must be obeyed) slides the naked envelope to me with a Sharpie pen and says with the voice of a commanding general, “I think the one end is a fine point,” and she smiles the Face Book Smile. OMG. I didn’t bring in my reading glasses and I have to write on a padded envelope with a fine point Sharpie???? By this time the line is backed up to the doors and strangers are boring holes of Hell Fire between my shoulder blades because I am So Stupid as to not know how to get through a Post Office Line without engaging the Government Worker. I slide the naked envelope back and she says, “Oh is this right or do you want to check it?” I retort with the ease of the vanquished I have nothing more to lose, “Could you check it please, I don’t have my glasses.” “oOo My”, she chuckles, “You did great without your glasses we have some spare ones around here you should have said something.” I smile, “I guess that will teach me to try to get through the line fast.” She smiles back, “We all have good intentions.”
That’s OK, Shirley, if that is your real name, Shirley. This is only the beginning of the Holiday Wars. I live another day to fight another battle. I never forget, Shirley.
Thanks for being here Please go here now and buy a really great piece of gemstone –>X<– Jewelry from Me 🙂